Not Ha Ha Funny

I am thankful for my sense of humor. I'm not a doctor, but in my opinion my sense of humor is my strongest sense (just above my sense of fashion and my sense of appropriateness). I spend the majority of my time trying not to take things too seriously and can usually find a way to laugh in just about any situation. My theory is that future me would already have paid current me a visit if time machines are invented in my lifetime. Since he hasn't stopped by I know that I can't change the past. So, why not try and laugh about the times that life isn't treating you so peachy? Moping about it isn't going to make people want to be around you (nobody likes a negative Nancy or a Debbie downer). I think there is at least one other person who is thankful for my sense of humor as well. I also think that one person might wonder how I developed my sense of humor. Well, one person, this is for you:

I was born into a family who already had a bit of a sense of humor. I remember spending Saturday mornings watching episodes of The Three Stooges and all kinds of cartoons with my father. My mother often did sets at The Comedy Store. Every so often she would take me along. I remember listening to George Burns and laughing the until I choked (that was mostly due to the cigar smoke). With my mother's ambition to become a star of The Mary Tyler Moore Show we made the move to Hollywood. Unfortunately, we left my brother Jed behind and didn't realize it until we had moved everything into our new home. Eventually, my dad went back and got him just before he was to start Kindergarten.

The industry was much more ferocious than my mother had anticipated and after a few years of trying she decided to retire and focus on raising us. That didn't keep her from scheduling our weekly family variety show. Those Thursday night routines helped develop our family's natural ability to improvise and make just about anything sound funny. I'll never forget the time that father was chopping wood for our fire place and accidentally amputated all the toes on his left foot. He ran in the house screaming and holding his toes in his hands. We all just started busting up laughing. We told him that he wouldn't have to worry about stubbing his toes late at night in the dark. He laughed too. We realize now that a trip to the hospital might have been beneficial.

I spent my early summers living with my grandparents on the farm in Texas. There were lots of laughs to be had during those summers. I remember my best friend in Texas, Terence Bagg. T-Bagg was the best friend you could ever ask for. We would spend most summer afternoons at the fishing hole telling knock-knock jokes until we couldn't think of any more. The fishing was good too. T-Bagg's children eventually moved him into an assisted living facility and my Texan summers were never quite the same. Of course there were still the usual chores that most kids on a farm had to do. I hated milking the cows, but it was like Grandpa always said, "those cows aren't going to milk themselves." Science would later prove him right and he was a finalist for a Nobel Prize. He was working on opposable hooves before his death. I wonder what would have happened to the milking industry had he completed his work.

There were other great people that I got to know while living in Texas. There was the Williamson family, who knew how to make some delicious apple pie. And the Hernandez twins, who I had never seen without a sucker in their mouths. Robert Gunderson was also a good friend. He had an extra finger on each hand. It was creepy at first, but eventually I got used to it. I also learned real quick not to challenge him to a thumb war. The memories of my Texas summers will never fade, but eventually Grandpa sold the farm.

I recall many years spent of my education. It was a difficult time at first. The administrators had a tough time deciding what grade to put me in. Due to my birth date and my mental abilities, it wasn't an easy decision. I was submitted to what seemed like an unlimited number of evaluations. After each one, there was a substantial amount of head scratching. After the lice treatment, the head scratching stopped. Needless to say, my time spent in school wasn't the easiest. Most teachers did not appreciate my superior sense of humor, and I found my desk placed outside the classroom more often than not. Luckily the weather was very nice. I learned mostly by teaching myself how to read the various textbooks. It was a tough time, but at least I didn't have it as rough as my school mate, Helen Keller. It was fun to take a pin and punch holes in her pages though. It would drive her batty. I eventually got to the point where I didn't think that high school was going to help me in my pursuit to become a garbage man. So, I decided to drop out my freshman year.

After high school my plan to become a garbage man hit a major snag. Somebody invented a mechanical arm for the side of the truck, thusly decimating the garbage man work force. I had nowhere else to turn. I spent the next months living on the mean streets of Chino Hills. There was more than one night when I had to wrestle with a domesticated cat for a warm bowl of milk. It wasn't the most pleasant period of my life, but it helped develop the awesome sense of humor that I now have. I made mistakes. I was still young, and I wasn't proud of what I had to do to survive. I will not confirm that there was a point where I begged for a Jamba Juice, but you can probably put two and two together. I spent the day looking for a new line of work and the nights fighting off my delusion.

It was at that point that I noticed my body going through changes. I would start growing lots of hair, my nails grew to abnormal lengths, I developed some fangs and my ears became overly sensitive. I remember being in a hardware store and hearing this horrible sound. I hunted down the kid who was blowing a dog whistle and confiscated the thing that shot pain in my ears. I tried to keep my new changes to myself, but eventually I broke down and asked my father what was happening. He sat me down and explained to me that I was a werewolf. I tried to keep it a secret, but my friend Stiles wouldn't let me. It wasn't long before I was surfing on top of his van. News traveled fast and the high school basketball coach invited me back to school. I joined the team and we went all the way. It was an incredible ride. But like all good things, it had to come to an end. My werewolfing days turned out just to be a phase and I lost my starting spot on Notre Dame's basketball team.

Luckily for me I still had the heart of a champion. I decided to try and walk on to the football team. It wasn't an easy task. I wasn't the biggest guy around, and the coaching staff worried that I was going to get killed. I spent most of my time on the practice squad, but my teammates insisted that I play in my final home game. I actually got into the game and was able to make a sack. I was lifted up on my teammates shoulders and the crowd chanted my name. It was unbelievable. A couple of my teammates went on to star in major motion pictures like Swingers and Couples Retreat. This only caused my mother to be filled with anger and resentment.

My parents shipped me off to the military, but they gave me a great word of advice. They told me that if there was ever any trouble, that I should run. That advice came in handy when our company came under fire. I ran, but somewhere along the way I got a stinging pain in my buttocks. I was lucky to make it out of the war alive. My friend Benjamin Buford Blue wasn't as lucky.

So life's mysterious path then led me back to California. It was an eventful journey. Car troubles were expected based on how old my car was. It would have been more beneficial for me to go to a mechanic, but I thought I could fix it myself. Two years and thousands of dollars later, I proved my theory to be wrong. After hitch-hiking most of the way, I made it to a bus station in Barstow. From there it was smooth traveling. I enjoyed the view of the country as we made the trip. We saw the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Graceland and Times Square. It was at that point that I realized I had taken the wrong bus. It was worth the trip though. As I started my walk back, I had a lot of time to think. It was from that time thinking that I developed what I have been thinking right now. You might think that somebody else can't really think about something that they will be thinking about thinking in the future, but I think that you are wrong in that thinking. Do you know what I mean? So, I am thankful for my sense of humor.