Set the Alarm

It has been quite a while since I last discussed my progress in watching Dawson's Creek. I am now 2 discs away from being done. I think that my opinion of the show has changed since I put the first disc in, but I will save my final review for when I am done watching it all. However, I was very surprised to be watching an episode recently and seeing Seth Rogen make a guest appearance as Bob. He looked exactly the same as he does today. In this episode he ends up joining Joey, Eddie and Audry for a road trip to California. Whilst on said trip Bob falls asleep in the car and ends up letting one rip while he slept.

This may seem like a small thing to you, but you probably haven't been wondering for months if people call that sleep farting. May I suggest using a different, more medical sounding term: Narcofartsy? Used in a sentence: Billy didn't want to share a tent with Tom, because Tom suffered from Narcofartsy.

While I am on the subject of things that people do while sleeping, let me share with you a problem that I have been having (No, I don't suffer from Narcofartsy. And, that doesn't seem like a problem. You release funky smelling gas and don't have to suffer through the smell. Where's the problem?) However, I have been having more trouble sleeping lately.

A couple months ago I happened to catch an episode of Dateline:

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I've been a little freaked out ever since. The show focused on a case of homicidal somnambulism, which is the act of killing someone while sleepwalking. You might think that it isn't a big deal, but you might also not know of my history of being around people who do things in their sleep.

Growing up, there was the incident of one of my brothers treating the homework of another brother like a toilet in the middle of the night. Jed didn't even attempt to use that excuse with his teacher the next day.

As a missionary, I still vividly remember being awoken by the sound of Elder Roberts (names may or may not have been changed to protect identities) sitting up in his bed screaming insults and obscenities about me. This happened more than once and he claimed not to know anything about it the next morning.

And now I am married to a woman who is famous for the story of her walking out of her house, down the street, knocking on the neighbor's door and trying to return her library books, all while sleeping. I've had my fair share of conversations with sleeping Sara and admit to being quite irritated when she claims to have never talked about the things we did. I've figured that it was just one of those little things that come with the whole marriage package, but until seeing Dateline didn't realize how much danger I may be in. Add in the fact that all of our little ones have been known to talk, wander and abuse me in their sleep (I've already been kicked in the face and crotch while I sleep), and my mattress could possibly be a death trap.

So, I've been left with the dilemma of what to do to avoid being a victim of a sleeping slayer. I could possibly sleep in body armor and a helmet. Or, maybe some sort of a protective chamber. I wonder if I could strap some sort of devices to the sleepers that would shock them when they got too close to my sleeping body. While all of these ideas seem brilliant, they also fall outside of my sleeping security budget. If anyone has any of these items that they would be willing to donate to a good cause, let me know. I'm also willing to listen to other suggestions. Until then, I guess I will just invest in a lot of Visine and hope that I can contract a case of Narcofartsy powerful enough to keep sleepwalkers away. Wish me luck.