Black Friday

For some unknown reason I have subjected myself to the chaos called "Black Friday" for several of the past years. I have had numerous memorable experiences on that day(i.e. being rammed by an old lady's cart, physically grabbing two old men trying to cut in line and pulling them behind me while entering the store, and enjoying a delightful morning at Kohl's last year), but there is one story that everyone in my family seems to enjoy most. Perhaps I will share that story at the end of this post.

This year I had almost all of my Christmas shopping done before Black Friday. After looking at the ad's on Thursday, I didn't see much that would make me need to subject myself to the pandemonium. My brother, Kyle, was in town for the holiday. He, Jed, and I decided to go fishing early Friday morning instead. We went to the San Gabriel River. We usually keep track of how many fish each of us catch. I should have known from the moment I met up with Jed and Kyle that they would be trying to sabotage me throughout the day.

The plan was for Jed to pick up Kyle at his in-laws and then meet up with me at the LDS church parking lot before heading up the hill. I called Jed when I was on my way to the rendezvous point and he mentioned that he was at the Jack-in-the-box just north of the freeway off-ramp. I asked him to pick me up a chicken sandwich and he agreed. I got to the parking lot first and waited for them to arrive. I saw their car and exited my vehicle. As they pulled up, Kyle rolled down his window and flung something in my direction. As I watched the object explode as it impacted with the concrete I realized it was my chicken sandwich. I still don't understand why Kyle would pull a chicken sandwich drive-by. After all, I was going to be getting in their car in just a few short minutes. I hadn't expressed to him that my life depended on immediately eating the chicken sandwich. My only theory is that it was strategy to try and get in my head and prevent me from dominating them in our fishing battle. If that was the reason, it failed miserably. I was one fish away from catching as many fish as the two of them combined. This was all despite their numerous efforts to try and take me out. Jed whacked me across the face with his fishing rod (he tried to pretend he slipped and fell in the water right behind me as he did it, but I know better now). Kyle even got to the point that he was whipping my rod with his as I was trying to reel in a fish. Despite their efforts, I had an enjoyable time showing them how to catch fish and debating whether we are human or dancer. I'm not exactly sure, but I think San Gabriel must mean trash in Mexican because it is always filled with a ton of garbage and there is graffiti everywhere. Jed even helped lead us to a dead skunk floating in the water. It was a symbolic skunk of how Jed's fishing day was up to that point.

After fishing we headed back to our families and met up at my parents' house. We agreed to have Thanksgiving dinner on Friday this year to enable everyone to spend Thursday with their in-laws, and to allow us to spend more time together on Friday. After arriving we got everyone together at Butterfield Park to take some family pictures. Then we were treated to a delicious feast. My belly is always grateful for my mother's cooking. We participated in some watching of basketball, some Xbox, and filling in the blanks to a Thanksgiving story. The funniest story seemed to be one filled out by Your Friend. It was a great day, and an enjoyable break from my normal Friday routine.

As an ode to posting too much information on the Internet, here is my Black Friday story:

A couple years back I was in line at Toys-R-Us waiting for the doors to open. I like hitting there first because they usually open before the time that is printed in the ads, the store is organized for a nice flow of people through the store, and the other shoppers aren't very hostile. They don't usually have too many outrageous deals, but I usually complete all of my shopping for the nieces and nephews there. I arrived there about an hour before they were supposed to open. I noticed some people I knew at the front of the line, but in my anti-social fashion didn't say hello. It was cold out, but I had sweatshirt on and was quite comfortable. Just after I got into line, a swarm of people began to show up. The line quickly went past the adjoining businesses and around the corner. I was probably between the 20th and 30th in line. I had my ad in hand and was carefully reviewing my list, when I was reminded that I had enjoyed two huge Thanksgiving feasts the day before. I was reminded by my bowels deciding they wanted to move, and they didn't want to wait much longer to do so.

I didn't know what to do. The store was getting ready to open, and there wasn't going to be enough time to have someone hold my place while I searched frantically for a bathroom. At the same time, there were people there who knew me, and pooping myself would most likely get heavy rotation in the gossip chain. I decided to try and wait it out. I immediately began doing the "no poop" dance. I received some strange looks, but the dance seemed to be working. The doors opened, I grabbed my cart and dashed about the store to try and get the items I needed. All the while I was praying that I could make it through. My stomach was churning and I was getting close to having everything on my list. I needed one more thing from the electronics department. I saw a very long line that had formed around the inside of the store to get into that section and knew that I wouldn't make it through that line. At that point I saw the people that I knew headed in my direction. I made a quick turn down an isle and bolted for the registers. I unloaded my items as quickly as possible while still doing my dance. Drops of sweat were dripping down my forehead. I was so close to escaping without having an accident. They rung up the items. I swiped my card without even looking at how much I just agreed to pay and ran out of the store pushing my cart. I made it out! It was a very small victory in a huge war with my bowels. I threw the bags into the car and headed out the driveway. I was sure that I wouldn't make it home in time. As I drove I wondered if there was anything that would clean up my potential mess, or if I would have to drive the car to the junkyard. About that time I saw a gas station. While steering with one hand I unbuckled my belt with the other. I slammed the gas toward the bathroom, threw it in park and darted for the door(with my car still running and the door wide open). Luckily for me it was the first time in my life that a gas station bathroom door didn't require me to ask the cashier for a key. I flung the door open, dropped my pants and exploded. I now know why gas station bathrooms smell the way they do. I sat there relieved to have made it hoping that nobody would steal my car or presents or open the unlocked bathroom door. After spending a few minutes in the bathroom I headed home and spent the rest of the day making frequent trips from the bed to the bathroom.

Happy Holidays!