Second Puberty

It has been a little while since I last posted anything about how my dreamy life has been going. It isn't because things haven't been happening, but probably more because of too much happening. But now that the hectic time of the year during Mr. Sasquatch season has passed I figured that I could take a little time to inform you of me going through second puberty.

That's right, second puberty. It started to happen a couple of weeks ago. Without any reason that I could think of, my voice suddenly became deeper and more manly. I didn't have a cold or any other sickness that I could think of. I hadn't taken up smoking. I wasn't feeling the rigors of being the lead singer of a band out on tour. I hadn't had enough time managing the T-ball Blue Jays to attribute it to yelling. It was kind of a mystery. Just one day my voice had changed. I didn't really notice any other changes in my body, although I did win the title of Mr. Mustachio again this year. So, maybe I have second puberty to thank for that. I didn't really have any complaints about the new voice. Sara didn't seem to mind having her own version of Barry White whispering sweet nothings in her ear. And, since I don't like people all that much, having people stay away from me for fear of catching a cold was an added bonus. So, second puberty was working out great for me, until yesterday.

For those of you who may be going through second puberty as you read this, or if you develop second puberty signs in the future, this is your warning. BEWARE OF SECOND PUBERTY! A little before 5 in the morning I awoke with a pain in my chest like I had never felt before. Was my chest developing due to second puberty? It didn't recall that feeling during first puberty, so I doubt it. I had felt pain in that area before, due to heart burn, but never as intense. It felt like my chest was going to explode. I worked my way to the bathroom to see if a glass of water would help. Here is another warning: DON'T DRINK WATER DURING THE PHASE OF SECOND PUBERTY THAT CAUSES YOUR CHEST TO FEEL LIKE IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE! The pain just grew with the added water, like those little sponges that are shaped like animals that grow when you put them in the bathtub. I thought that maybe some milk would do the trick, so I headed to the kitchen. It was at that point that the pain was so intense that my body decided it needed to be closer to the ground. So, I dropped to the floor. That was when I needed to make a decision: call 911 or make my way back to the bathroom. Because of how cheap I am, I knew that an ambulance would take me to the nearest hospital, which our insurance didn't cover. So, I crawled back to the bathroom. This was actually a good decision, because I made it just in time to lift up the toilet seat and vomit. Second puberty causes a weird way of vomiting. Instead of the feeling of stuff coming up from your stomach it feels more like it is coming from your chest and throat. Also, I think second puberty is supposed to cause your mouth to grow, but mine didn't. I think that because my mouth wasn't a large enough conduit for all of the vomit that wanted to come out. So, my nose served as a companion conduit for the vomit. Luckily that was enough, because I feared my ears would be next. (I only go into the vomit details, because in the past my cousin Sara(h) has complained that I don't give enough details in my experiences). The vomit relieved enough pressure in my chest to be able to call out to Sara. When she came to the bathroom, I informed her that I needed to go to the hospital. At this point I was thinking that second puberty was an inaccurate name for what I had. Perhaps it should be called death verge, because I thought I was going to die.

At that point I felt well enough to stand up and get dressed and ready for Sara to drive me to the hospital. Her mom came to be with the kids and I loaded up the other car with the T-ball gear for the Blue Jays game that I was sure I was going to miss. With a just-in-case trash can at my feet we drove toward the hospital. The pain in my chest was still pretty intense. I'm not sure, but I think my chest grew to about a D cup. We got to the ER and were only 2 people ahead of us. Here's some more advice for those who go through second puberty a.k.a. death verge: Make sure to hit the ER early in the morning. By the time we got out there were quite a few in the waiting area. While at the ER they gave me some "baby aspirin", which I think was to counter the growth that was being caused by second puberty. Then, I got a bunch of stickers put on me, had some wires stuck in the stickers, was tested to see if I was in the KGB (except they were calling it an EKG), had a needle stuck in me, had some blood taken away, was given a robe to put on over my nakedness, had a chest x-ray, and got to bunk next to a pretty wild party girl. Here is a sample of what I overheard through the not so effective cloth curtain:
Pretty wild party girl: Uggggggh.
Nurse: Do you know where you are?
Pretty wild party girl: Uggggghhh.
Nurse: Do you know what your name is?
Pretty wild party girl: Uggggggggghh.
Nurse: Do you know what day it is?
Pretty wild party girl: Where is my purse?
Nurse: It is in that plastic bag. I would be careful when you open it though, because I think you threw up in it.
Pretty wild party girl: Ugggggggh.
Nurse: Yes, roll onto your side, so we can get you some new sheets. Those have vomit on them. You have some in your hair too.
Pretty wild party girl: *Snoring*

The baby aspirin must have been working, because my chest was feeling like it was getting back to its normal size. The pain was subsiding and I felt like I was going to make it. I was greeted by a doctor who told the nurse to make me a mixed-drink. I drank it and my mouth, throat and chest went numb. He came back a little later and told me that all of my tests results were normal and he was pretty sure I had GERD. Now, if you are thinking like I was thinking, you are thinking that was the name of the little girl in E.T. You would be thinking wrong, though. Her name was Gertie. GERD is also known as acid reflux, which I am pretty sure is the fancy doctor way of saying second puberty a.k.a. death verge. He prescribed me some anti-second puberty pills and told me to take some Mylanta before bed each night, and sent me on my way. He also recommended that I stay away from alcohol, coffee, and smoking (which is going to be a huge lifestyle change for me). So, I went back home and went to bed. My body, especially my chest, was still sore from all the changes that had occured. That made the bout of hiccups that I got later in the day a little more irritating than normal. I got a good day of rest in, and felt pretty good today. Unfortunately, my voice has gone back to how it was before second puberty.

If your voice does start to get deeper, I would recommend poking some holes in balloons and inhaling some of the helium to get it back to normal(Although, I am not a doctor, nor did I stay at a Holiday Inn). Believe me, you don't want to go through the other phases of second puberty. I know that I don't. Hopefully there isn't something called third puberty, because I want no part of it.